Match of the Day - The Masada/Kasai no mat, glass pane, & gusset plate deathmatch

Masada vs. Jun Kasai - No Mat, Glass Pane, Gusset Plate Deathmatch Pain Limit finals - FREEDOMS (2012)

Here's another tournament match...

CZW's Masada and "The Crazy Monkey" Jun Kasai know how to put on an ultraviolent, stomach curdling, how-is-this-stuff-even-legal?, bloody-ass deathmatch. If you don't like the sound of anything that I just wrote, please do not watch this match. If you love the sound of what I wrote above, you are one sick fuck.

To add to this weeks theme, and in good practice with Ash Wednesday/Lent's giving something up until Jesus comes back on Easter with chocolate eggs, this match gets rid of the mat or canvas of the ring. Instead of all that soft stuff on top of the ring, it is completely bare with only its boards intact... well, that is, until Masada decides to tear off some boards to create a gaping hole in the ring. Once Masada strips the boards, he places a pane of glass over the hole and then, if it's pretty self explanatory as to what he does next, Masada powerbombs Kasai through the glass and down through the ring to the floor, or whatever is under a ring.

Luckily, Kasai survives the drop with only a few minor scratches and some skin peeled off. Then he finishes the match, of course.

Theme results

Ring Destruction: The mat/canvas is removed to began with then Masada rips out some boards for added hardcore nonsense.

Match of the Day - Another "Shitty" Lego Deathmatch

Shitty vs. Addy Starr - Lego Deathmatch - Inter Species Wrestling Burger King of the Ring (2011)

In honor of the Lego Movie -I haven't seen it so no spoilers - here is another Lego-inspired deathmatch from the human/animal/monster/undead people wrestling promotion out of Quebec, Canada.

This Lego deathmatch is the third in existence from ISW and features the same man who was in the previous colorful connectable building blocks mess of a match and was also in the second (which I have yet to see). The man I'm talking about is Shitty, previously known as Flip, who was brainwashed by Moohammad (the terrorist cow) to be a much shittier person. Shitty's opponent this time around was Addy Starr, a female competitor not afraid to step in the ring with the Lego Deathmatch veteran, but also not afraid to get hardcore with Lego covered kickpads and Lego covered taped fists ablazin'. Addy Starr even dons the D'Lo Brown Lego vest at one point to boost her already Lego-based offense.

It's a messy, and dare I say a "shitty" match, but that's what it was going for. This isn't Flair/Steamboat #169, this is a Lego Deathmatch, a match that requires the most brutal and creative looking spots to do with Lego brand construction toys!

Match of the Day - Greg "The Hammer" Valentine goes hardcore

Greg Valentine vs. Kendo Nagasaki - No Rope Barbed Wire Deathmatch - BJW (1995)

It may seem surprising at first that Greg "The Hammer" Valentine would be found here fighting in a Japanese deathmatch in one of the most violent Japanese deathmatch promotions, Big Japan. But if you really think about earlier Greg Valentine (before the jet black hair, Rhythm & Blues days), Valentine was just out to hurt people. John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats made a great point about Greg Valentine during an intro to his live song, "Song for Greg Valentine" where Darnielle describes Valentine as a wrestler more out to break his opponents' legs and cripple them than to win matches. Which is pretty awesome, by the way.

That being said though, this is not the Greg Valentine that fought Roddy Piper in a brutal dog collar match or tried to end "Rugged" Ronnie Garvin's career, this is a miserable shell of a man who happens to be fighting in a Japanese deathmatch. Thus, this match really suffers because of it. Granted this match is still violent and features all the goodies that you would expect in a deathmatch like barbed wire, brawling through the crowd, and that red wet stuff, it's very slow and with little to no drive. No one breaks their legs, no one gets crippled, no nothing.

Match of the Day - Now for a real deathmatch...

Jon Moxley vs. Brain Damage - Dining Deathmatch - CZW Tournament of Death 8 (2009)

Remember how I said that last deathmatch wasn't like the kind where the two wrestlers beat each other with fine-china until one has a near-death experience or something like that? Yeah, well this is that match with the china (there probably weren't that "fine") - among other things you would find in dining rooms, like: tables, chairs, grandfather clocks, and skilsaws (I'll get to that later).

But what was for dinner? Thumbtack cake, of course! At least that's what I've heard... and it makes sense really, not only because this is Combat Zone Wrestling, but because they wasted it by throwing it into each other's faces rather than eating it. I guess if they had eaten it, it would have been called a cake eating deathmatch.

I'm on a roll with bad jokes this week. Hah, roll.. like bread.

I'm sorry.

This match between Jon Moxley (Currently the US champ in WWE as Dean Ambrose) and the late Brain Damage is probably one of the best Moxley deathmatches and heavily talked about especially because of the skilsaw spot. There, I got to it.

Theme results

Food: cake!

Match of the Day - The bread eating deathmatch!

Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs. Ken Ohka - Bread Eating Deathmatch - Union Pro (2011)

Aw yes, the age old classic of two grown men and their hunger for bread.

The object of this kind of deathmatch is not to kill your opponent with lighttubes or glass or even give them a near-death experience with Legos or fine-china, no, this "deathmatch" is all about who can eat more bread that is hanging high above the ring. Of course, there are a few deadly shots with that stale-looking baguette that one could argue belongs more in a normal deathmatch than one where consuming bread is the key to success. You know, success: to be named the dominate breadwinner. Get it?

Don't worry though, the two opponents (or contests, I guess) Ken Ohka and Tsuyoshi Kikuchi were given milk to help them swallow all the bread they had grabbed (were they not aloud to use their hands?) from the strings. Unfortunately though, they had to share it.

Bonus: I embedded the version of this match that features English. The only thing is that Ken Ohka is said to be Roger Tableman and Tsuyoshi is Jasons Love-him. I'm not sure why, but that's the names listed on the video themselves as well but don't appear on the Japanese version.

Theme results

Food: Bread (all kinds) and milk. 

Match of the Day - The first fans bring the LEGO deathmatch!

Flip vs. Stinky the Homeless Guy - Fans Bring The LEGO Deathmatch - Inter Species Wrestling 4 Years of This?! (2009)

Flip takes on his former Lady and the Tramp tag team partner, the late Stinky the Homeless Guy in a match featuring everyone's favorite childhood building toys, LEGOs!

Before you start rolling your eyes at me internet goers, hear me out: Would you rather not get put through a table, get fluorescent lights smashed over your head, or step on a Lego? I know which one I'd rather not have to deal with... the Lego one, of course! That shit hurts like hell.

Okay, so being slammed on some Legos wouldn't be as painful as, say, a gusset or a kenzan (look it up), but  you gotta at least give it up to these two for going where not a lot of wrestlers had gone before... the toy box.

Also, check out that sweet D'Lo Brown Lego vest! This match touches all my childhood nostalgia buttons.

Match of the Day - Kyoko Kimura goes bananas on Abdullah Kobayashi in BJW!

Abdullah Kobayashi vs. Kyoko Kimura - Intergender Lighttube Deathmatch - BJW (2006)

Think of this match as less of a wrestling match and more of a horror movie where you actually care about the girl who's being attack by the monster and actually has a chance of winning.

It's tough to watch at some parts, especially if you are not a big fan of the whole 'make sure to break as many lighttubes because it looks cooler' hardcore wrestling mentality, but it's not as tough to watch as an intergender match once you realize how stiff Kyoko Kimura normally works. I haven't watched a lot of Kimura's matches, but the ones I have she is either really nice and friendly or stomping on girls off the tops of balconies. No joke.

Ultraviolent Wednesday.

Match of the Day - Megumi Kudo the former kindergarten teacher retires Combat Toyoda

Hardcore Wednesday:

Megumi Kudo vs. Combat Toyoda - No-Rope Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch - FMW (1996)

In what is said to be one of, if not, thee first female wrestling hardcore matches, Megumi Kudo (in the pink) takes on Combat Toyoda (the bigger one) in a deathmatch featuring exploding barbed wire rather than traditional ring ropes, and it's not a pretty sight.

For any of you at home who are unaware of this sort of "deathmatch"-type of match, it's essentially the most violent matches conceived, so take "Extreme Rules" and times the violence/weapons/bloodiness by 100%. This deathmatch in particular took place in Frontier Material-Arts Wrestling (FMW) founded by Atsushi Onita, the guy who brought the deathmatch-type hardcore-based wrestling to Japan after spending an early part of his career touring Memphis.

Japan always has a way of taking a good thing from America to the extreme whether it's hardcore-style wrestling, horror movies, reality shows, or music. So much so actually, that we go and copy them right back...

Unfortunately though, the copycats we make here in the states turn out to be The Hunger Games, Wipeout, and Combat Zone Wrestling.

Anyways, this brutal deathmatch has to be one of the most tastefully violent female wrestling matches I have seen. It has emotion, it makes sense, and it also features wrestlers - female wrestlers, I may add - that could actually wrestle. Combat Toyoda is by no means a "diva" and Kudo, who may look like a little pink power ranger, is one pretty face you didn't want to mess with... and this match proves it.

This match is also noted as Combat Toyoda's last match as she would retire right after this match. Kudo, the victor of this barbaric match believe it or not, would continue to fight in such matches until her retirement match in 1997 against Shark Tsuchiya in the longest titled match: a "No ropes 200V double hell double barbed wire barricade double landmine glass crush death match".

Also, Megumi Kudo was supposedly a kindergarten teacher before making her return to wrestling via FMW. I really don't know if this is true or not.